You can say so many things, words upon phrases, sentences into paragraphs and pages beyond number…and never in your life stumble on the right ones. To be frank I’d rather say nothing, I’ve always hated the aspect of me, the weak link in the chain, unable to simply play it all close to the chest, closed of lip bothering no one else with worry or woe. In some regards I suppose, I succeed, at least to a marginal degree. Yet still here we sit again posting words only few will see and fewer yet will bother to read. Perhaps it is self pity…I’d like to think its not but then again I would like to think a great many things but that does not make them true.
Regardless I keep hoping that I’ll stumble on the right things to say…the right things to do so I don’t keep waking up here in this same place with the little pieces of my past failures hanging in the air to greet me like a loyal pet every morning… and waiting to fill my head with doubts and what if questions fueling dreams that hurt the worse when I sleep. I am me…still am and always will be and I will change on my own or not at all…all I know is I am not happy this way…don’t care for the eyes I see looking back in the mirror… and resolve or no…don’t much care for the future that seams to be waiting. I could just put this down privately but that would be assuming I had not already, had not filled page after page with ranting going nowhere solving nothing because as comforting as they are words only mean as much as the people who hear them…to make them real… To show action is something else.
I suppose I’m done I’ve run out of rambling and there are no answers here in them… I know I will keep trying, it is not in me to lay down and quit or to give up or give in, someday I will be able to fix things for everyone I care about… Someday I will be able to be the strong one for everyone again then I think perhaps I will have the right words to say.